Friendships Lost After I Became "Mom"

Being a mother for almost four years teaches you a lot.

You learn the true meaning of life.

There is an overwhelming force that drives you to keep your child(ren) safe.

Unconditional love is no longer something you imagine, but something that you can feel.

You realize that priorities change. Life rearranges. The world no longer revolves around you.

The true meaning of friendship becomes apparent. Those without children can never understand what a parent feels.

Relationships change. Diminish. Disappear. It hurts – at first.

Then you realize. They aren’t true friends if they let your bundle of joy get in between the two of you.

I remember the friends I had. The relationship that I lost. I was 19 when I had Konnor. Barely out of school. At first, I could pawn him off on my mom to watch while I had fun from time to time. Mostly at her house, while Konnor slept in my room.

Looking back, I sucked at being a mom. I thought I was hot shit, when in reality, there was nothing hot about my relationship with my son. Sure, he knew who his mommy was, and he loved everything about me, but I wasn’t the best.

In almost four years, I have come so far. Honestly, I can say that I am proud of who I am. The mother I am. A woman. I have grown up.

Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about the times I could party, spend all my money on myself, and quite frankly, not give a shit. I have driven under the influence, spent most my money on booze, and am a recovering nicotine addict. Sadly enough, some of the people who I used to hang out with still do all these things, and some do more.

Which happened, I couldn’t tell you, because it still stings when I think about the friendships I lost. Was it me pushing them away or was it the other way around? Looking out for the best interest of my baby, I started to stray away from those that were negative influences.

Supposing it was mutual, why? Apparently, our friendship wasn’t strong enough to overcome the most adorable baby ever. Because I was no longer able to party when I wanted, hang out when I wanted, or spend lots of money on things that I didn’t need, they split. Just like that, they dropped me.

Some friends, huh?

Since then, the only new friends I have made have been moms. The people who get me. Who understand where I am coming from, and respect the fact that I am unable to drop my kids off somewhere at the flick of a finger or leave them with an imaginary babysitter to go out to the bar on a Saturday night. They also respect the fact that I don’t use my boyfriend as a live-in babysitter.

Having children has tough me a lot about my life. But my children have also helped me cut out a lot of people in my life that never really mattered.

Stay tuned, Part 2 of this is coming up…….

Look What She Does Now!!!

Seriously, I am not ready for my baby to be doing all these new things!! Crawling, sitting herself up, saying da-da (which I still haven’t caught on camera) and now playing peek-a-boo with me!!

See for yourself.  Gah!!!

Yes, that is my very high-pitched voice.  Lol.  It isn’t normally that bad, but you know.. Mommy thing, right???

Bad Mommy Day!

Do you ever have those moments when you feel you just aren’t cut out for parent hood?

I mean, I have two kids now.  I have been down the infant road.  This is the second journey, and all of a sudden, doubting myself is kicking in.

All these crazy outlandish things that my daughter has done to hurt herself only happens when I am alone.  With both kids.  After Ariana choked and we had to call 911, I was freaking out thinking that the children’s hospital would call Child Protective Services on me for having objects small enough for her to swallow within her reach.  Thankfully, they didn’t.

Today, everyone is having a nice little nap.  Sleeping peacefully.  Konnor in his bed, Ariana in her crib with me sleeping in my bed next to her.  Two hours worth of golden silence and pleasant dreams only to be ripped apart by a gigantic crash and an infant screaming at the top of her lungs.

I jumped out of bed and picked her up so fast I swear I didn’t know what I was doing until we were both back in my bed.  Examining her for bumps, protruding bones, and blood, I came to the conclusion that there was no need to call 911 just yet.

How she fell out of her crib is almost a mystery, but maybe more so to my “i-can’t-believe-she’s-growing-so-fast” side as opposed to an outsider’s view.  She gets on her hands and knees, she sits up, she crawls, and I suppose this was her showing me that she can, indeed, pull her self up on objects.  From what I can figure, she just pulled herself right up and over she went, which is surely a red flag. 

Time for mommy to lower the crib mattress to the next level.

Back to my original thought, however; this all makes me wonder if I am cut out for this baby thing.  I am seriously questioning my parental skills and instincts in which are used and needed to raise a child.  And, for that matter, there should be absolutely no need to question such skills, since they started maturing at the age of………… Oh when was my sister born?  Tenish. 

Does anyone else have these days where they feel nothing has been or can go right?  I am at a loss with myself, and while I’m sure I’m just having a bad day, this is sort of bothering me. 

Had I been awake, this couldn’t have happened.  If I had lowered the crib when she started crawling, she wouldn’t have fallen out.  What if she broke her neck?? What would I have told Justin and my family?!?!

Time to go lower the crib.  Like, yes, RIGHT NOW!!!

Meet My Other Half…

Everyone, meet Justin.

Justin is my boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend. (no he doesn’t wear these glasses all the time.  they are mine) We are not married.  Marriage is but a piece of paper.  What he is the father of my daughter. The love of my life. 

I don’t give him enough credit. When I talk about him on my Facebook or on my Twitter, it’s generally when I’m angry. Or hurt. Or sad. Really, no one gets to hear about how wonderful Justin is.

He is my other half. The person I was meant to be with. Through thick and thin, we were meant to be. He is the one.

Though I have had reservations in the past, questions in my mind, those no longer exist. We have had good times, bad times, and times where we were on level ground. Despite all the times we have had, he has been there. When I was unable to work while pregnant with Ariana, he stayed. When he was laid off and looking for a job, I stayed. Through my depression this last holiday season, he was there. Holding my hand. And while he never said it, he was cheering me on, telling me it would all be okay.

Most don’t know our story. When we first met, it was online. *gasp* I know. Say what you will, but this seems more and more common as time goes on. Love has no boundaries and sure doesn’t grasp the concept of distance. So, while I was here in Oregon living my life, he was in West Virginia living his.

At first when we talked, it was casual. That time in my life was full of chaos and mayhem, and an ear was all he could offer me. I took it. I told him about life and the choices I was making and while he was mostly amused, you could also tell there was a bit of concern.

We stopped talking for years. Probably 5 or 6 to say the least. We both lived our different lives, on different sides of the United States. It wasn’t until I logged into Yahoo! on my cell phone that we reconnected. He IM’ed me and after a few hours of IMing him while at work, we exchanged numbers.

From there IMing turned to text and text turned to a phone call. The phone call. All night long (and I mean 9pm to 6am) we talked on the phone about everything. You name it, we talked about it. Even before I knew what was happening, we were falling.

Most people are cautious about love. Often holding back, they miss out on some of life’s greatest opportunities. Just getting out of my relationship with my son’s father, I was a little hesitant. But Justin and I were so right for each other.

Regardless of the distance, we made things work. From playing silly Yahoo! games on the internet, to simultaneously watching The Notebook while on the phone, we were a unique pair. I would leave cute messages on his MySpace, and he would send sweet text messages.

To make this long, adorable story short, not three months after we had started talking, and after a mini vacation to the east coast to visit him, he decided to move out to Oregon so we could be together. I took a flight to Illinois where he met me, and we drove the country together, through torrential downpours in one state, to high winds and country roads in another.

February 7th, 2010 marks two years since we made ourselves official. February 1st marks two years since we reunited and started talking again. Today we have a beautiful daughter to share our journey in life, and are closer than ever. Konnor and Justin adore each other, almost as much as Ariana and Justin do.

He picks up the kids everyday after work. Gets up with Ariana some nights when she doesn’t sleep through. He is a good sport about my crazy ideas and even though he is a picky eater, he will try new things that I cook.  Shopping isn’t one of his favorite things to do, but he will do it.  We are a team.

I love his smile.  His sense of humor.  The way he dresses.  His eyes.  When he is happy, mad, sad, upset, or being a pain in my ass, I still love him. 

Despite all of my mood swings and questions with our relationship, he is here. Always. Hopefully forever.

I love him. With every part of me that is capable of love.  Our journey in life thus far has tested us in so many way, and we have made it out on top.

Dancing Baby – Part 2

Just because I think she is so damn cute when she dances, here is another installment of MY dancing baby.

The Dancing Baby!!

Ariana has learned something new…. Dancing… Or that’s what I call it anyways.  It could be her rocking back and forth in an attempt to move where she wants to go.  However, when it is in conjuction with music, all bets are off – she dances.  See for yourself

Potty Breaks? Not For This Mommy…

It has become painfully clear that Mommy is not aloud to go potty. 

Leave the kids alone for 30 seconds and something is bound to happen.  Ariana eats an apple or rolls under the coffee table.  This kid is so mobile, and Konnor finds more and more ways to get them into trouble. 

I am going to have my hands full, aren’t I?

Ariana’s Scary ER Story…

“Mommy, baby sister is throwing up.”

That’s how it all started.  Normally, this wouldn’t cause much concern, since Ariana sometimes does throw up after eating.  Rarely, but it happens.  This time, however, was different, because she hadn’t eaten in a couple hours. 

I walked over and it looked like she was kind of choking but she was definitely throwing up.  Thinking maybe her tummy was upset or she was sick, I sat on the floor, legs extended, and put her over them.  Patting her back, I got her to throw up a little more and then she seemed okay.

About that time, and great timing it was, my friend Kelly showed up with her little boy.  She sat on the couch, a couple feet from me when Ariana started to choke and throw up again.  I put her back over my legs and patted her back.  Gasping for air, she rolled herself over and was looking at me with this helpless little look. 

The time frames are so off, I’m sure.  It felt like this whole thing took hours when really it was mere minutes. 

She stopped gasping for air and started choking again.  Kind of throwing up.  But most definitely gagging.  She took one deep breath and that was it.  Something was stuck, because her face started turning purple as she started struggling to breath, and her lips turned blue.

I handed her to Kelly and dialed 9-1-1.  The scariest thing a mother has to do, and the feeling of helplessness was overwhelming for me.  Had Kelly not been there, I guarantee I would have been in hysterics.  She held Ariana while I talked to the dispatcher, and within minutes (again, felt like hours) paramedics were here.

By the time they got here, Ariana had stopped choking.  Whatever was blocking her airway either went down or came up.  We aren’t sure.  Her breathing wasn’t normal, but by the time we got to the children’s hospital, it was.  I did opt to have the paramedics take us in the ambulance, only because I didn’t want to run the risk of her choking again in the backseat of my car on the freeway.  No chances.  No way!

X-rays showed nothing.  Doctor’s were pleased with her color and breathing when she arrived.  So we were told to watch her breathing for anything out of the normal, keep an eye out for a fever or other sign of infection, and check out any poopie diapers for the foreign object.

They did also say it could have been that she was choking on her vomit, which I suppose is possible.  Do I find that a likely cause for what terrified me so? No.  That doesn’t seem accurate.  Konnor was playing with her about 10 minutes before it all happened, and I wonder if he brought one of his small toys to share with his baby sister.

So we are watching.  Waiting.  Hoping to find something in her stools to give answers to what caused such a heart-wrenching catastrophe.  I honestly believed that they were going to need a second ambulance for the heart attack I was about to have. 

Children are amazing.  I love mine to pieces.  You better believe after all has been said and done, there will be a more careful eye from this mommy.

Siblings Much??

What do you guys think?  Do they look alike?

Besides my daughter’s BUG EYES in this picture, I think the two of them look similar.  Both of my kiddos have more of their father’s qualities (each having a different dad) but both have a Mommy resemblence that they share.  Or at least I like to think so. :o)

Happy New Year!!! 2010

Last night we put a close to another year. For me it was a year full of ups and downs that have taught me so much.

Everything happens for a reason.

Some things to reflect on….

 

1. Where were you ten years ago?

At the age of 12, almost 13, i was experiencing the joys of my period for the first time ever. I was also babysitting for a house party. There were around 10 kids and i made $40.

2. What have you accomplished in the last 10 years?

Wow, I would have to say quite a bit. I mean, I have managed to pop out two kids, break my mother’s heart and mend it again, have my heart broken upteen times, and come out on top, work in a place that i’m not always happy at (but it pays the bills), live on my own, and learn some life lessons i’m not soon to forget.

 

Overall, the last ten years have really changed me. I guess at such a young age, that really is inevitable. Maybe in 40 years, my decades will be a little less adventerous, and my stories not quite so grand, but so long as i have my children (and wrinkles forbid grandchildren), I will remain happy. There is so much to come in the next decade and the one after that, that looking on the past is so short compared to the future.

 

3. The last year…. what are the highlights?

Two things come to mind here. Konnor starting preschool and Ariana’s birth. Such huge milestones in my life, and great accomplishments. My kids are my world, and there is nothing I enjoy more than watching them grow, explore, and the bond they have formed and continue to form with each other.
 
 
4.  What is(are) your New Year’s Resolution?

• lose this baby weight!
• remove the people who don’t feel as if I matter in their lives from mine.
• make 2010 the year to remember!!

I have hopes.  I have dreams.  I have plans.